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5 Secret Criminal Uses for Stuff They Sell in Gas Stations

You’ve undoubtedly at one time or another found yourself standing next to a convenience store point-of-sale bong display and smirked at the absurd “For Tobacco Use Only!” signs that generally accompany this blatant skirting of your community’s drug laws. You know what those glass pipes are really for, because you know the streets.

Except not really. Obvious marijuana-smoking devices are just the tip of the drug paraphernalia iceberg floating around the shady aisles of your local convenience store. You know what those are for, but you might be surprised to know the real reason that every sketchy bodega and market in America sells .

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Have you ever wondered what kind of awful husband buys his wife one of those cheesy fake roses in a glass tube? They’re such lame gifts, but you see them everywhere. If stores keep stocking them, someone must be buying them, right? What kind of relationship transgression can be fixed with a $1 gas station purchase? Failure to DVR the right television show usually requires more apology effort than that.

If you’ve had suspicions similar to those just expressed, which I highly doubt you have until now, I’m glad to report that they are not unfounded. There is in fact only one occasion when buying your woman a rose in a glass tube is appropriate, and that, of course, is if you’re going to smoke crack together, which, in turn, means you’re probably dating Courtney Love.

Twitter.com/Courtney Full disclosure: This was in response to something Marion Gladstone wrote on the Cracked Twitter.

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That’s the only reason anyone buys those otherwise useless trinkets.

It’s at this point that some especially observant types will point out that you can also smoke meth, heroin, and any number of other drugs with those rose pipes. Those people know way too much. Do not trust them around your medicine cabinet.

The manufacturer isn’t always subtle about the real reason the product exists, either. Check out this batch of glass roses, which are available online at wholesale savings!

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Without the roses, those are nothing but standard-issue drug pipes. The added fanciness of the flower allows shady manufacturers to market them as novelty gifts and less scrupulous shop owners to sell them freely as such in areas where drug paraphernalia laws are particularly strict. It’s the exact same reason “bath salts” are called “bath salts” and labeled “not for human consumption” when what they really are is some kind of monster synthetic hybrid of cocaine and methamphetamine that is completely useless unless it’s being consumed by humans (who then consume other humans).

On the bright side, if some lunkhead fella does buy one of you lucky ladies one of these someday and genuinely doesn’t realize what they’re used for, rest easy knowing that he’s probably never smoked crack before. That’s as close to a keeper as you’re liable to get these days.

You might be surprised to know the real reason every sketchy bodega and market in America sells these things.