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Cheech Marin: Pedro

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Pedro : Man, what is in this shit, man?

Man Stoner : Mostly Maui Waui man, but it’s got some Labrador in it.

Man Stoner : Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.

Man Stoner : I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog’s mind, ya know?

Pedro : You mean we’re smokin’ dog shit, man?

Man Stoner : Gets ya high, don’t it?

[Song, “Rockin’ Robin” plays. ]

Man Stoner : I think it’s even better than before, you know?

Pedro : Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Border Guard : So, how long you’ve been in Mexico?

Pedro : A week. I mean a day.

Border Guard : Well, which is it? A week or a day?

Arresting Officer : Sir, could I please see your license?

Arresting Officer : Your license. Where’s your license?

Pedro : It’s back there on the bumper, man!

Arresting Officer : No, I mean your DRIVER’S license.

Pedro : Oh yeah, I got the bullshit back here man.

[gets license with great difficulty]

Pedro : Hey I thought’a somethin’ really funny, man. Your mother!

Arresting Officer : [after dirty look, of course] Sir, what’s your name?

Pedro : uuhhh. Isn’t in on the license, man? Yeah, that’s it! Pedro De Pacas, man, that’s my name.

Man Stoner : Hey, hey don’t take those, man.

Man Stoner : I almost gave you the wrong shit, man.

Pedro : Hey, man, I already took ’em, man.

Man Stoner : [laughing in astonishment] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Pedro : Hey, whaddaya mean “ho ho ho ho ho”?

Pedro : Hey, what was in that shit, man?

Man Stoner : You just ate the most acid I’ve ever seen anybody eat in my life!

Pedro : Hey, man, I never had no acid before, man.

Man Stoner : Jeez, I hope you’re not busy for about a month.

Pedro : Hey I’ve seen those guys walking around my neighborhood that took too much acid, man. The one guy, his head’s swelled up like a pumpkin.

Man Stoner : [referring to the acid Pedro took] No, that’s good acid, man.

Pedro : Another time, there was this guy.

Man : You wanna get high man?

Pedro : Does Howdy Doody got wooden Balls man?

Man Stoner : [on police radio] Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, can you hear me?

Clyde – Narc : Hello, headquarters? Hello, headquarters? Come in, headquarters. This is Officer Clive. we are.

Sgt. Stedenko : Use the codename! The codename!

Clyde – Narc : Headquarters, headquarters come in, please. The is Codename Hardhead.

Sgt. Stedenko : Hat! Hardhat! Give me that! Hello, radio dispatch? This is Codename Hardhat, Codename Hardhat, do you read me? Over.

Man Stoner : Was that Lardass?

Sgt. Stedenko : Hardhat! Codename Hardhat! Do you read, radio dispatch?

Man Stoner : Hey, I got somethin’ for ya, Lardass!

Sgt. Stedenko : Hardhat! Hard. Hat! Do you understand?

Sgt. Stedenko : Hardhat! Radio dispatch, do you know who this is?

Pedro : Naw, who is this is?

Sgt. Stedenko : This is Sergeant Stedenko!

Pedro : Oh yeah, you know who this is?

[stoned cop walks up to the van, where Pedro and Man have been trying to switch who’s driving]

Cop : What do you guys want?

Cop : Hey, do you mind if I have a, bite of your hot dog?

Pedro : Huh? No man, here, take the whole thing.

[the cop takes a huge bite]

Pedro : Want some fritos?

Cop : [through a mouthful of hot dog] no, this is fine! Thank you! Hey, you fellas have a nice day, okay?

Man Stoner : Hey man, what was that dude’s trip? I mean what was he on, man?

Pedro : Man, I don’t know but I wish we had some of it!

Pedro : Hey how am I driving, man?

Man Stoner : [looks around] : I think we’re parked.

Pedro : I been smoking since I was born, man, I can smoke anything, man. You know like I smoke that Michoacán, and Acapulco Gold, man. I even smoke that tied stick, you know?

Pedro : Yeah, you know that stuff that’s tied to a stick.

[Man has disguised himself as a woman while hitchhiking]

Man Stoner : Hey, man; I’m glad you picked me up, man. I slept in a ditch last night, man, I was about to freeze my balls off, man.

Pedro de Pacas : Man, I didn’t even know you had any, I wouldn’t of stopped.

Curtis : Hey, man, I got some weed straight from Turkey, boy. It’s what set them Arabs off.

Pedro : Arabs from Turkey?

Curtis : Yeah, man! Yeah! It was from Turkey. Hey, man, this stuff is so bad, it’ll put a hump in a camel’s back.

Curtis : I wouldn’t shit you, baby. I mean, this is some bad weed.

Pedro : You got it on you?

Curtis : I got it on me, man. You got to check it out. It’ll boogie-woogie on your brain.

Curtis : Just cause we tight, I’m gonna let you have it for a double-dime.

[after picking up Man, Pedro guns his car and takes off down the street]

Pedro : Hey, how far you goin’ man?

Man Stoner : [points to the curb] Hey, right here would be fine, man!

Pedro : What, you’re not afraid of a little speed, are ya man?

Man Stoner : Wha, you got some speed, man?

Pedro : Huh? Speed? Oh, no, I don’t got no speed man. But you know what I do got? I got a joint man!

Pedro : [gets it out and hands it to Man] Here, light that thing up man, let’s get chinese-eyed.

Man Stoner : [eying the joint] Kinda skinny, isn’t it?

Pedro : No, it’s a heavy duty joint, man.

Pedro : Kinda looks like a toothpick.

Pedro : Naw, it’s not a toothpick, man.

Man Stoner : No, it IS a toothpick, man.

[hands it back to Pedro]

Pedro : [looking at it, puzzled] it IS a toothpick. wait a minute man, I got the shit right here.

[feels around in his pocket]

Pedro : huh. no, that’s my dick.

[feels around some more]

Pedro : , okay, here you go, man.

[hands a skinny, curled up joint to Man]

Man Stoner : [looking at a dinky little joint] Jeez, I hope your dick’s bigger than this, man.

Pedro : Hey man, you want to get out and walk, man?

Arresting Officer : [to Man] Sir, what’s your name?

Pedro : Whut? I told you my name, man!

Arresting Officer : [to Man] Sir. what’s YOUR name?

Pedro : [to Man] Hey man! The dude wants to know your name, man!

[Man vomits onto the floor of the car]

Pedro : Uuhhh – His name is RAALLLPH, man!

Pedro : Don’t worry, man. Those aren’t narcs, they’re Las Emigras; you know, the Immigration Service looking for illegal aliens.

Man Stoner : What’s the Immigration Service doing here, man?

Pedro : My cousin needed a ride to his brother’s wedding in Tijuana; so he called the Emigras, man. They’ll deport the entire wedding party, man. They get a free bus ride across the border and lunch. When the wedding is over, man, they’ll just come back across the border.

Man : We don’t even know any tunes yet, man.

Pedro : What do you mean, man? We had two rehearsals, man. Besides, it’s just punk rock, man. You know, you don’t have to know how to play. All you just got to do is be a punk, man. We could do that.

Man : Well, we got to get loaded first, though.

Pedro : Yeah, we should get loaded.

Strawberry : Ahhh, look at that man, the great outdoors, huh!

Pedro : Yeah, the great outdoors.

[gives Strawberry a weird look]

Pedro : [laughing while stoned] Way anchor! How much does it weigh? I don’t know, I forgot! pffhhh! Ha ha I saw that in a movie once.

Pedro : I’m in a band, too, man.

Pedro : Yeah, I’m a lead singer, man.

Man : Wow, that’s hip, man.

Pedro : Yeah, we play everything from, like, Santana to El Chicano, man. You know, like, everything!

Pedro : Hey, I’m just a love machine, And I don’t work for nobody but you, I’m just a love machine, And I don’t work for nobody but you, Woman, when my temperature rise, And then I go for her thighs, And then I see guacamole in my shoes, Guacamole in my shoe.

Curtis : This bad low machine is yours?

Curtis : Oh, Pedro, you got a taste of soul to you, bro.

Curtis : Hey-hey, I hear you. Hey, now, you know what you need to go with this bad ride?

Pedro : Hey, what’s happening?

Man : How far are you going, man?

Pedro : All right. We’re going there ourselves.

Man Stoner : Man my legs hurt.

Man Stoner : No, hey man, if we’re gonna wear uniforms man, you know let’s have everybody wear something different.

Pedro : Yea, that’s it. Yea, we want something wear everybody wears something different man, but the same, you know?

Pedro : You girls need a ride?

Pedro : You sure? – No. – Later for you, you little jailbaits.

Pedro : I’m going that way.

Pedro : Later for you, you little jailbaits.

Pedro : Hey, listen, man, if you hear some noise in the bedroom, you know, moaning and groaning, don’t pay any attention to it, it’s just me and my old lady. Next tune you hear will be, “Dueling Bedsprings”.

Pedro : Oh, what’s that? She’s hitchhiking. Hey, watch out. Coming over. Geronimo! Hey, double bubble. Come on, baby. I’ll give you a ride. Let’s go! Yeah, bend over. I’ll drive you home, baby. Hey, you ain’t a chick!

Pedro : Is that a joint, man? Like god damn! It looks like you got a Quarter Pounder, man. Led Zeppelin!

Man : Hey, be careful with that shit, man.

Pedro : What? Is it heavy stuff, man? Will it blow me away?

Man : Better put your seatbelt on, man. I’ll tell you that much.

Man : Who lives here, man?

Pedro : That’s my cousin Strawberry, man. He’s probably got some dope, man. He’s always got the best smoke.

Man : Oh, I hope so, man.

Pedro : Yeah, well, he’s cool. His only thing is, he’s a little weird. You know, like, he went over to Vietnam, man, and he came back all weirded out, you know.

Man : Yeah, well, that ‘Nam grass will do it to you, man.

Man : Hey, these uniforms are lame, man.

Curtis : What chu mean lame, sucka?

The Band: Bass – James : Hey, Pedro, man. Where’s the white dude you say was playing the drums?

Pedro : Where’d you learn how to roll them big joints, man?

Man : Hey, you like that, man?

Pedro : Whoa! They’re heavy.

Man : Yeah, I used to be a roadie for the Doobie Brothers, you know.

Pedro : What a groovy gig.

Pedro : I can’t believe we can’t find no grass nowhere, man.

Man : That’s ’cause too many people are smoking it now. And it really makes it tough on the rest of us.

Pedro : And then I’m going to take off your dress. And then I’m going to take off your bra. And then I’m going to take off your shoes.

Pedro : Come on. Make way for the new king. God damn, you’re a star, man. Later, after you – King Salami.

Pedro : Hey, apres-vous, all of you.

Pedro : There you go. Watch your step. I’ll watch everything else.

Debbie : I love a manly chest.

Pedro : Yeah. So do I. I mean, on a girl.

Debbie : Wow. This is a neat van.

Pedro : Yeah. Want to see the rest of it?

Pedro : Yeah? Oh, hey. We’ll go right back there. The rest of it is right back there. Go ahead. Hey, watch your step. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, right back there.

Man : Hey, have fun at Magic Mountains.

Pedro : Oh, yeah. I see London, I see France.

Pedro : If I ain’t out in three weeks, man, send a search party.

Debbie : [referring to her top] Does this show?

Pedro : Yeah, they sure do.

Debbie : No. I mean this, this spot.

Pedro : Let’s see. Yeah, a little bit. Here, I’ll take it out for you.

Pedro : Yeah. Sure. Just take it off.

[removes her top]

Pedro : All right. You guys ready to jam? All right, here we go. One, two, three. Yeah.

Pedro : My mama talking to me trying to tell me how to live, But I won’t listen to her because my head is like a sieve, My daddy, he disowned me ’cause I wear my sister’s clothes, He caught me in the bathroom with a pair of pantyhose, My basketball coach he done kicked me off the team, For wearing high-heeled sneakers and acting like a queen.

Pedro : I feel good, man. I wish we could have had something to celebrate, man. You got a joint or anything?

Pedro : Come on, let’s go get high.

Man : I don’t feel so good, man.

Pedro : Hey, come on, man. We’re on in. Did you give him some pills?

Jade East : Yeah, I gave him some pills, but I gave him ups.

Pedro : Shit, man. Come on. Hey, how many fingers you see?

Jade East : I think I fucked up.

Pedro : Oh, shit. Anybody got any coffee or anything?

Jade East : I got a popper. We could either, like, you know, party later or try to start his heart.

Pedro : Come on, man. Hurry up and get dressed. We gotta go score a lid.

Укуренные (1978) Cheech Marin as Pedro ]]>